Ephesians 5:21-33
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body.31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Titus 2:
4 Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.
I Peter 3:
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
Begin with some context. Women were really treated as less than men in many ways. They were not educated. They were certainly not viewed as equal in value. That is a reflection of the Genesis 3 curse for sure!! That is certainly no “suitable helper” paradigm. Also, it is God who has made all people “one” in Christ!
Gal 3: 26 So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, 27 for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.28 There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. 29 If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.
Jesus taught women. Jesus treated women with respect. Jesus trusted, valued, and relied upon the service of women in His ministry. In very practical ways, women were partners with Him in ministry. This is true also of the Apostle Paul, Pricilla, Lydia are two examples from Paul’s ministry.
Nowhere does the Bible say that women are inferior to men in any way. Nowhere does the Bible say that women are excluded from any of the spiritual gifts. I do believe that men and women are different, but they are much more similar than different.
The Bible does establish an order of authority in the home and in the church that I believe places limits on the role of women. I believe God establishes the husband as the head of the wife. He is a responsible provider and protector. Also in the church I believe that the role of Elder is exclusively a male role. This is also an issue of responsibility and I believe is probably connected to the idea of headship in the home. In other words, if the husband is spiritual head of the home, how can the wife be his spiritual head in the church. This would create a conflict.
Why tell the wives to submit to their husbands?
Well, at Corinth everyone was emphasizing their personal giftedness to the exclusion of submission to the group. It would be a corrective here. Women are free in Christ, just as men, reconciled to God, on equal footing before God etc. That is why Paul says in
Galatians 3:
26 So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, 27 for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.28 There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. 29 If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.
Men and respect!
- Submission for Wives
Ephesians 5:
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Col 3:
18 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
- As is fitting in the Lord
Here in Ephesians it says “as you do the Lord”
First submit to God, then to your husband. Get on the same team. Is it his team? It is “our team”.
In Colossians it says: “as it is fitting in the Lord”
In all of what I say and in all of what the Bible teaches keep this in mind:
The purpose of a marriage is for two people to have suitable helpers.
Neither is to be above or dominate the other.
Neither is to subvert or harm the other.
Both are to live for the other.
That is what is fitting in the Lord.
Our culture is out of its mind against men. I know, I feel anxious talking about roles about husbands and wives. Look, keep the goal in mind and do that. Why mention that wives are to be submissive? Well, what is the curse? Why should the wife not be out in front? Well, if we are in a time of great affluence, then maybe that can work, but it’s not gonna work through most of human history. Imagine yourself living apart from the Biblical standards of behavior apart from effective contraception, which is new, and incredible affluence, which is new. Make yourself a woman, pregnant for twenty-five years, at risk to the elements. Somebody is gonna have to feed you. You will be a burden on someone’s energy and resources. How could you not? What do you need? How about a man who is willing to sacrifice for you, who wants what is best for you and for your child? How about a team member who sees your health and welfare as at least equally important to his own. That is God’s will and plan. What will mess it up? I believe men are hard wired to be providers and protectors. It is connected to deep purposefulness in their lives. We hate responsibility and are meant for responsibility at the same time. Wives, you can make your husbands role a greater burden, just fight with him.
It is an interesting thing about authority or about trying to understand other people and the decisions they make. Here, I will reference my role as assistant manager in a restaurant. I had that role for seven years. During that time I had lots of opinions that were negative about the way that the general manager did things. And then I became the general manager. And the previous general manager’s decisions made more and more sense! It is hard to impossible to have the perspective of another person. That means we are gonna have to trust and respect their role or position.
- Wives respect your husbands
v.23-24 and 33
23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
v.33 says “respect your husband” Respect is an interesting thing for men. There is a good marriage book based on this verse. It is called “Love and Respect”. Carol and I went to a marriage conference years ago with the folks who wrote the book and one thing they said that stuck with me all these years is the following: They did a survey and gave men and women the following scenario: You have to choose between a marriage where your wife loves you but says she does not respect you, or where your wife respects you, but says she does not love you. And they did the same thing for the wife, love, but no respect, respect, but no love.
The results were 80/20 for the men. Respect over love. Respect is important for men, we have been earning it for years. It comes from taking responsibility, by the way. A man can make his way in the world. A man is willing to sacrifice to care for his family. And a man who does not feel respected will be self-destructive to himself and his family.
Respect your husband first, and then work on him. That is the proper order.
The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. What does Christ’s headship entitle Him to?
Respect, honor, responsibility, care, sacrifice.
This headship of the husband is authority and responsibility. You can see that in verses that follow.
- Do your part
I don’t like teaching on these things in a mixed group. The reason for that is that it is human nature to say, well, you aren’t doing so and so, So I am not going to …
Your instructions are yours regardless. Do your part. Women, if your husband does not do as you think he should do, it is not time for opposition or rebellion. You are to respect Him and submit to his headship. You are a partner to him in this. Help him be better!
Story of Nabal and Abigail. I Samuel 25.
Abigail disobeys her husband in submission to him. She protects Nabal from his worst self. David sees this and when Nabal dies, he immediately seeks to marry Abigail. Why? Because she is a true partner and will look out for his best interests.
- Submission for Husbands
v.25-33
I Peter 3: 7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
- Love your wives like Jesus would
Immediately we see that standard of love that is totally unselfish, serving and giving.
There is a discipleship aspect to this as well. I think this is missing from a lot of our cultural perspective because women are now being educated.
- Treat your wife as an ultimate priority
“like your own body”
If your body is broken, you die. You will starve to death. You will lose the ability to be independent and care for yourself, so you will lose your main avenue for respect.
- Their context is much worse for women
You need to keep that in mind. Divorce for any and every reason. The Disciples response in Matt 19: “It is better to not marry”
Listen, if you are not willing to be submissive, to pick up the mantle of mutual submission and be a helper suitable, then you should not get married.
If you want to be a selfish brute, then go ahead. And women, the easily availability of women for sex in ruinous for men! It can keep them boys forever.
- Learn to love your wife skillfully
Gary Chapman: The Five Love Languages
Learn to love your wife in the way that she understands love. And get better at it.
In conclusion: We are all involved in this venture: We are helpers suitable for each other. Some of what I said about relationships is undoubtedly too narrow or culturally colored. OK, what can we stand on with the firmest footing:
- We are to be helpers suitable for each other
- There is natural conflict because of the fall and competition for control, resources etc have entered in.
- Mutual submission is the way forward. Live life together!!!
- That is gonna look like wives submitting to and respecting their husbands.
- It is going to look like husbands being loving and considerate to their wives, living sacrificially for them and making them their priority.